Thirty. Eight.

Gossip is a really ugly thing. Sure, it's basically what the whole media industry is based off of, however that doesn't change how terrible it can be. Rumors in particular. You know what those are. Biased, generally exaggerated claims or stories. They spread, like a case of herpes, something that nobody really wants, but if you aren't careful will catch. Only to unknowingly pass it on to the next person in a slightly more warped version than the last.

The thing with rumors is that they ALWAYS come back to the person who starts them, in one way or another. And more often that not, the person will not own up to it. Rather, they find a scapegoat. Namely, one of the people they told. It becomes an exceedingly ugly situation when the originator then claims they told nobody but that person. But you see rumors are essentially just words. Words are exchanged between individuals daily, like nothing. I know I can't remember everything I tell everyone.

My point? Be careful when you get involved in a rumor. You can't guarantee you'll remember everyone you tell. And that, in turn, may come to bite you in the ass. It could also turn a friend, or should I say scapegoat, against you....

Thirty. Seven.

Some life lessons hit you like a train. Out of your control and unpleasant as hell. Others kind of sneak up on you and just plant themselves inside your brain. Like those slug things from Animorphs (awesome book series, the tv show did it absolutely NO justice). But then there are those life lessons you kind of just stumble across. And upon discovering them, like finding a twenty dollar bill chilling on the ground, you can't help but smile. What's more is the smile is genuine and real and happy rather than a sarcastic expression of "Ugh. Fuck My Life."

Life lessons like those, far and few in between as they may be, always provide you with a sense of accomplishment. They always remind you of one thing: just how great life can be. For me, the moment came in realizing how so many of my friends (as well as acquaintances, frenemies, nd all those peripheral categories) are kinda just stuck in limbo at what is, the greatest time of our lives. This isn't a time to spend doing nothing. Or a time to spend in frantic frustration and despair. This is a time of exploration and enlightenment. THE opportunity. The next decade is ours to take hold of and either give way to greatness or give rise to ruin.

And yet so many of them waste time complaining about how suckish everything is. Suckish indeed. But guess who's doing the sucking?

Thirty. Six.

So last night's almost full moon really had me thinking about alot of thing. In particular, I came across a rather interesting notion about negative feelings. They are a product of the mind. Not of the heart. Think on it.

Joy, Love, Excitement, Wonder, Intrigue all originate within the heart. Positive emotions tend to take hold of us before they are introduced to reason, and perhaps that's what makes them feel so, well, good.

The flip side of this are emotions such as Anger, Fear, Loneliness, Hatred, Anguish. Such emotions are brought on by the mind. They originate in the mind. And in time, can affect the body and heart (or soul if you will). These emotions are self-inflicted and it's for this reason that therapists say they cannot be cured, only controlled.

Objects of the heart cannot be harnessed, they simply are what they are, and if not nurtured, eventually fade. Objects of the mind...remain present once they are introduced. They never truly go away, rather they resurface, time and time again. The real question is how you choose to handle it. Do you let the darkness in your mind control you? Or do you find a way to control it?

Thirty. Five.

The past few weeks have brought alot of change within myself. It was kind of like, someone prodded me with a taser gun. The shock, instead of knocking me out, woke me up. But upon waking up, I lost my balance and started falling...and I still am. It's strange though, because I feel like I'm falling at two different speeds. For part of me, my life is starting to pick up, opportunities are appearing, work is getting done, plans are being made. For another part of me, things are in slow motion, or rather the people around me are. And this part of me does not like what it is seeing.

Essentially, we're all made of glass. Beautiful works on the outside, always attractive to those around us. The light gleams off our surface, which normally is believed to be part of our natural, unique beauty. However, I think it's to blind us from seeing inside. As I've been moving in slow motion, I've begun to see what lies inside. And I'm starting to wonder how is it that I ended up surrounding myself with so many selfish, ignorant people. Of course that made me wonder if then was I selfish and ignorant as well. But I know myself better than that. My biggest flaw is becoming complacent not in my own self, but in others. And more often than not, I begin to mirror what they produce.

So, yes, I became selfish and ignorant. It became easy to give in to doing whatever for no reason at all. I felt no qualms about being too lazy to challenge my mind and pursue worthwhile endeavors. Because the company I kept were just as fine with that.

Upon realizing this, I grew angry at myself, but that anger soon fell upon them. Becuase even after voicing my feelings and frustrations, they acted like I hadn't said a word. As time passed, more of these individuals have been appearing, and the glass casing they showcase to the world is nothing more than a plastic excuse to be who they wanted to be.

So I asked myself for the first time who I wanted to be. At first, the process of answering that question seemed so daunting, I didn't know where to begin. But then I realized that answer has always been present. The answer was that I wanted to be ME. Thus, I began to redefine myself from the ground up. It hasn't been easy, and sometimes I feel more alone than anything. But then I think I'd rather face a little solitude over being the vessel of someone else's servitude.

Thirty. Four.

Morning readers and fellow bloggers. Question.

How many of you have been in a relationship?

Dumb question right?

Now, how about this:

How many of you have been in a relationship because you need that person?

I'm pretty sure we can all nod in agreement right?

Now, how about this:

How many of you have been in a relationship because you want that person?

Hands still up? Good.

Last question:

How many of you don't think there's a difference between "needing" and "wanting" a relationship?

Chances are, most hands are still up.

There's this funny thing that happens when you like someone: you lose yourself. You get sucked into this alternate reality that includes you and that person only. And at some point or another, that world becomes more and more about that person, and less and less about you.

We've all been there. And even if we aren't now, and you are one of the ones who put your hand down, we know what it's like to need a person. To feel like we thrive and exist because of them. And we also know how foolish we were. And if you haven't come to this realization yet, wake up.

The problem with most relationships, is they aren't constructive. They rarely provide an environment for growth. In the short term, it's this whirlwind of laughter, sex, dumbfounded infatuation. But as time goes, and we begin to recover form blissful blindness, things plateau. Fighting starts. And tug of war ensues. Maybe quietly. Maybe not. But rather than growing together, many relationships slowly enter this downward spiral, tearing one another to pieces along the way.

In essence, that shouldn't be what a relationship is about. Your significant other should be able to bring out the best in you, as you should be able to do within them. It should be a foot race, seeing who can get to the top first, but instead of actually trying to beat out the other, you're helping each other the entire way. A relationship that needs doesn't do that for you.

But a relationship that wants, does. Because then both partners know they can stand on their own just fine. But it's the fact that they still choose to be with one another that makes the relationship so beautiful. Love shouldn't come with a life support machine. Love should come with a mind, a body, and a soul. The three things that lit your fire in the beginning should be what keeps it burning....not just for that person, but for yourself as well.

Thirty. Three. (English Essay)

American society is an image-conscious society. It’s why more and more schools are adopting uniform policies. It’s why, in suburban neighborhoods, homes more or less look exactly the same. Image seems to be connected to the ideal of success, but it seems the most successful people stand out more than anybody else. At some point in the social food chain, success is not defined by what is similar, but by what is different. Thus, if the successful are often strange, then does that mean being strange is a way of becoming successful?

We’re all raised believing that in order to succeed, we must conform with society’s standards. This in turn leads us to dress similarly, talk similarly, even think similarly. Yet around the time we enter high school and prepare for college, being the same is no longer enough. Fitting within the perfect picture is what everybody is trying to do, and so colleges search for something that is new, fresh or different. I believe this is where the true obsession to stand out is born, and the need to be different becomes directly related to success.

Think about it. This is what’s fed to us. The media zeroes in on the dramatic, the extravagant, the insane. It’s for this reason that we take interest in Angelina Jolie, whose huge family and pilgrimages to Third World countries have made her known as a major humanitarian. Or Michael Jackson, who’s unmatched dancing ability and eye-catching style of dress all pertain to his image as the King of Pop. Or Lady Gaga, who is quickly building her own untouchable image from her strange and, at times, disturbing costumes and performances. Yet when we look at each of these celebrities, it’s with a sense of wonder, and possibly envy, simply because to us, they embody success. And they have attained that success through the unusual choices, unique talents, and unorthodox fashions that they have made all their own.

Thus society has gradually been tilting towards being different, attempting to trailblaze a path that we believe will undoubtedly lead us toward the achievement of our goals. I know many people who live flamboyantly believing that the louder you scream, the more attention you will you gain. Or others who adopt strange and weird beliefs; thinking that sooner or later, the world will recognize their stroke of genius. Sure, such eccentricities all function with varying intensities, but the intent remains the same. What is the image I must present to society so that I can obtain my piece of success?

In truth, much of this behavior is tolerated, and if not, draws so much attention that it is given the fuel necessary to be perpetuated. It’s only in the eyes of true horror, pain, or disgust that such strange or unique behavior is stifled, and ultimately, extinguished. Otherwise, we are drawn to it, much like a moth to a flame. And the idea of success and celebrity acts as that flame, undeniably alluring in some eyes, and harshly repulsive in others.

Does strangeness equate to success? For some, that answer is yes. But for many, the reality is no. The formula that gives such “eccentric poses” a chance to thrive can be changed ever so slightly, turning the unique into flat out weird. And that is, perhaps, the biggest peculiarity of all.

Thirty. Two.

I have been resurrected.

So after much thought, frustration, and series of writer's block, I've gotten over the sebum casitgating the outlets of my life. In other words, I'm back. Lol.

It's difficult pursuing my passion at home. But then again, with a passion like mine, it's probably difficult to pursue in general. I'm a writer first. But to make it there, I've come to the realization that I gotta have a secondary role. At least to be safe about it.

As well as, that I can't sit around. Wallowing in frustration gets you know where. I've been trying to figure out how to get the ball rolling, but truth is there is no secret formula, or golden path. You walk up to it, and push. And if you can't do it alone, get enough people behind you so you can. Simple as that.

So I'm back. I'm serious about school again, and driven about writing again. After all I AM Jali Alexander, Head Abstrakt. And as such, leaving you all in such silence is both cruel and inhumane. So lend an ear, and listen closely.