Thirty. Four.

Morning readers and fellow bloggers. Question.

How many of you have been in a relationship?

Dumb question right?

Now, how about this:

How many of you have been in a relationship because you need that person?

I'm pretty sure we can all nod in agreement right?

Now, how about this:

How many of you have been in a relationship because you want that person?

Hands still up? Good.

Last question:

How many of you don't think there's a difference between "needing" and "wanting" a relationship?

Chances are, most hands are still up.

There's this funny thing that happens when you like someone: you lose yourself. You get sucked into this alternate reality that includes you and that person only. And at some point or another, that world becomes more and more about that person, and less and less about you.

We've all been there. And even if we aren't now, and you are one of the ones who put your hand down, we know what it's like to need a person. To feel like we thrive and exist because of them. And we also know how foolish we were. And if you haven't come to this realization yet, wake up.

The problem with most relationships, is they aren't constructive. They rarely provide an environment for growth. In the short term, it's this whirlwind of laughter, sex, dumbfounded infatuation. But as time goes, and we begin to recover form blissful blindness, things plateau. Fighting starts. And tug of war ensues. Maybe quietly. Maybe not. But rather than growing together, many relationships slowly enter this downward spiral, tearing one another to pieces along the way.

In essence, that shouldn't be what a relationship is about. Your significant other should be able to bring out the best in you, as you should be able to do within them. It should be a foot race, seeing who can get to the top first, but instead of actually trying to beat out the other, you're helping each other the entire way. A relationship that needs doesn't do that for you.

But a relationship that wants, does. Because then both partners know they can stand on their own just fine. But it's the fact that they still choose to be with one another that makes the relationship so beautiful. Love shouldn't come with a life support machine. Love should come with a mind, a body, and a soul. The three things that lit your fire in the beginning should be what keeps it burning....not just for that person, but for yourself as well.

Thirty. Three. (English Essay)

American society is an image-conscious society. It’s why more and more schools are adopting uniform policies. It’s why, in suburban neighborhoods, homes more or less look exactly the same. Image seems to be connected to the ideal of success, but it seems the most successful people stand out more than anybody else. At some point in the social food chain, success is not defined by what is similar, but by what is different. Thus, if the successful are often strange, then does that mean being strange is a way of becoming successful?

We’re all raised believing that in order to succeed, we must conform with society’s standards. This in turn leads us to dress similarly, talk similarly, even think similarly. Yet around the time we enter high school and prepare for college, being the same is no longer enough. Fitting within the perfect picture is what everybody is trying to do, and so colleges search for something that is new, fresh or different. I believe this is where the true obsession to stand out is born, and the need to be different becomes directly related to success.

Think about it. This is what’s fed to us. The media zeroes in on the dramatic, the extravagant, the insane. It’s for this reason that we take interest in Angelina Jolie, whose huge family and pilgrimages to Third World countries have made her known as a major humanitarian. Or Michael Jackson, who’s unmatched dancing ability and eye-catching style of dress all pertain to his image as the King of Pop. Or Lady Gaga, who is quickly building her own untouchable image from her strange and, at times, disturbing costumes and performances. Yet when we look at each of these celebrities, it’s with a sense of wonder, and possibly envy, simply because to us, they embody success. And they have attained that success through the unusual choices, unique talents, and unorthodox fashions that they have made all their own.

Thus society has gradually been tilting towards being different, attempting to trailblaze a path that we believe will undoubtedly lead us toward the achievement of our goals. I know many people who live flamboyantly believing that the louder you scream, the more attention you will you gain. Or others who adopt strange and weird beliefs; thinking that sooner or later, the world will recognize their stroke of genius. Sure, such eccentricities all function with varying intensities, but the intent remains the same. What is the image I must present to society so that I can obtain my piece of success?

In truth, much of this behavior is tolerated, and if not, draws so much attention that it is given the fuel necessary to be perpetuated. It’s only in the eyes of true horror, pain, or disgust that such strange or unique behavior is stifled, and ultimately, extinguished. Otherwise, we are drawn to it, much like a moth to a flame. And the idea of success and celebrity acts as that flame, undeniably alluring in some eyes, and harshly repulsive in others.

Does strangeness equate to success? For some, that answer is yes. But for many, the reality is no. The formula that gives such “eccentric poses” a chance to thrive can be changed ever so slightly, turning the unique into flat out weird. And that is, perhaps, the biggest peculiarity of all.

Thirty. Two.

I have been resurrected.

So after much thought, frustration, and series of writer's block, I've gotten over the sebum casitgating the outlets of my life. In other words, I'm back. Lol.

It's difficult pursuing my passion at home. But then again, with a passion like mine, it's probably difficult to pursue in general. I'm a writer first. But to make it there, I've come to the realization that I gotta have a secondary role. At least to be safe about it.

As well as, that I can't sit around. Wallowing in frustration gets you know where. I've been trying to figure out how to get the ball rolling, but truth is there is no secret formula, or golden path. You walk up to it, and push. And if you can't do it alone, get enough people behind you so you can. Simple as that.

So I'm back. I'm serious about school again, and driven about writing again. After all I AM Jali Alexander, Head Abstrakt. And as such, leaving you all in such silence is both cruel and inhumane. So lend an ear, and listen closely.

Thirty. One.

Cancer is a scary thing to deal with. Not just for the person, but the people surrounding that person. For some reason, I never thought about the hardships faced romantically by the people on either side. Think about it. A person with cancer knows their disease could get better. But could also get worse to a point beyond repair. And yet, they still want what we all ultimately want: love. And they probably want it more than most, because they may not have alot of time left on this earth. However, there are major hardships that may prevent them from obtaining that. The first being that people may look at them and feel sorry for them. Or pity. Ultimately, I feel that sympathy, in any situation, is utterly useless. I mean what, "I'm sorry you have a tumor in your chest and that you may die from it? Wish there was something I could do?" What they hell is that doing for anyone?

The other problems actually are a joint hardship between the sick individual and whoever he/she is pursuing a relationship with. And they all revolve outside of the two individuals. Namely, the other individual's family. The family may think the person with cancer is looking for a crutch. That is someone they can, in a nutshell, dump their shit on. They feel the sick person is looking for someone to take care of them. The other problem is that they don't want to see their loved one to get hurt.
Which is understandable. However, seeing as nobody is psychic, we can't truly forsee what the future holds for the two individuals. And we don't know what will happen to the person suffering from cancer.

My point?

Dating someone with cancer, or any terminal illness for that matter is a challenge. But there are plenty of worse off situations in which neither party may be suffering from disease, but can cause one or both people harm. Abusive relationships, homosexual relationships, polyamorous relationships, etc.

Should we alienate someone suffering from a terminal illness just to protect our own well-being? And where do we draw the line that divides the acceptable from the unacceptable? Especially when every illness has the potential of growing life threatening. If I'm dating a girl and she catches swine flu or pneumonia, do I cut her off?

Thirty.

The snow is here! And I'm highly pissed! Lol jack frost, bitch that he is, has cheated me out of yet another white christmas. Instead i'll be lucky if i get a gray xmas. you know, the color the snow turns several days and a snowplow later. sooo not cool.

In other news, I'm back. No, seriously. I've been locked away in the City of My Mind lately, dealing with a few demons and ghouls. And vampires of course. Cause everything has vampires these days. It's a bit of an overkill don't you think? What I've learned from this new vampire fetish America has been swept by ( I say America because Europe and Asia have long accepted the existence of mythical creatures) is that Twilight should've remained a book series only. Excellent story (great job Ms. Myers) and the characters are memorable. However, the movies so far a punk-emo-soap opera debacle that serve as an eye-candy festival for all female and male worshippers who've dedicated their lives to either Team Jacob or Team Edward. I've also learned, thanks to true blood, that vampires are indeed the freakiest creatures on the planet. The only reason their existence still remains a myth is that our weak mortal forms cannot withstand their voracious sexual appetites. Thus, we die before we can run to our friends and scream, "Vampire head is the best!!!!!!"

Ok, now that we've gotten that tangent over and done with lol, let's move on. I am back to blogging. In fact I have to other blogs set up, both of which are stories I'm currently working on. Not to mention the two other stories I'm working on not through a blog but good old microsoft word. I'm not sure what happened, seeing as how I was aimlessly driven to make writing my career, but suddenly direction appeared. And ever since, I've been writing, constantly. All I can say is, I truly know this is what I was meant to do. And I no longer feel scared about doing it.

last but not least, Tiger Woods. I have too lol. It's my humblest opinion that the entire world leaves this dude alone. Who cares who he slept with? If he was smart enough to not get caught, kudos to him. Do i condone it? No. But don't turn these mistresses of his into ten second celebrities. We already have Jon and Kate. And an army of Dancing With The Stars contestants. And a number of rappers' baby mamas. What the media should do is give fame to people that are actually doing something interesting. And that's pretty much anyone not being mentioned in the tabloids.

Twenty. Nine.

Anger. Sadness. Fear. Happiness. Excitement. Confusion. There are so many different kinds of emotions that we can feel. Some lift us up to unimaginable heights while others devastate us beyond repair. Today I came to a realization that out of all the emotions I feel and have felt, it's the feeling of Helplessness that truly brings me down to that point of no return.

Earlier today, my mother and I had a conversation. My mother is currently going through a period of self-exploration and rediscovery. However, in doing so she has unlocked the door to dark memories she had tried very hard to forget. And the pain that resurfaced from these memories can be so great, it cripples her. I mean she falls apart, man. Now usually, I know what to do, what to say, and how to comfort her. But today was different. Today my mother scared me, and not because of what she was saying. Because the pain that she felt was so great, I couldn't reach her. No amount of comforting and support was enough to make things right. I felt so helpless. Because the entire situation was completely out of my control. I didn't know how to help my mother feel better. And that hurt more than anything.

Then, a few minutes ago, my mom and I had a converstation with my best friend, Keen. And it was brought to light that keen had a few problems of his own, both physical and emotional, that he had been holding in for the last couple of weeks. At first, I was angry that he didn't reach out to me. Angry that he was the kind of guy who could be hemorrhaging and would act like he just won the lottery. And angry that I was angry at him, because there was nothing I could do about any of it. Ultimately, I could only help my friend if he let me or, more importantly, if he chose to help himself. Outside of that, there was nothing I could say or do for him that could change the state he was in. And once again came that crippling feeling that I could be of no help.

My point is, I always had a tendency to want to help people. I hate conflict, and I hate seeing people suffer. So if I can help alleviate it, I'll do whatever I can. But today I had to face the reality that I can't heal the world, and every problem is not mine to fix. And that fact really sucks. But then I guess if things worked that way, I'd be winning the Nobel Peace Prize constantly.

Twenty. Eight.

Powerhouse.

I was there yesterday and let me tell you, it ROCKED. So me being the charming individual I am, allow me to share the fact that I suffered the entire 6 hours with a serious case of the beegees (so serious) and did not leave my seat once. That's how good it was.

Mario. Jadakiss. Keri Hilson. Jay-Z. Day 26. Trey Songz. etc, etc. Not to mention guest appearances from Memphis Bleek. Styles P. Beanie. YOUNGBLOODZ! etc, etc. It was really everything I wanted it to be and more.

Hands down, the best performance of the night was Jay-Z. Amazing, how even in Philly, every. single. person got the livest for Jay. Just goes to show you that regardless of the names given to the places we live, the imaginary lines drawn that separate New Yorkers, Jerseys, Philladelphians and every other group existing in the world, music does and will always continue to erase every barrier the physical world places in our lives.

Me being a brooklyn native, I was standing on my seat, wildin out. Singing every line to every song. Looking like a possessed fan lol. It was just that good.

Powerhouse. I will definitely be going back next year.