Anger. Sadness. Fear. Happiness. Excitement. Confusion. There are so many different kinds of emotions that we can feel. Some lift us up to unimaginable heights while others devastate us beyond repair. Today I came to a realization that out of all the emotions I feel and have felt, it's the feeling of Helplessness that truly brings me down to that point of no return.
Earlier today, my mother and I had a conversation. My mother is currently going through a period of self-exploration and rediscovery. However, in doing so she has unlocked the door to dark memories she had tried very hard to forget. And the pain that resurfaced from these memories can be so great, it cripples her. I mean she falls apart, man. Now usually, I know what to do, what to say, and how to comfort her. But today was different. Today my mother scared me, and not because of what she was saying. Because the pain that she felt was so great, I couldn't reach her. No amount of comforting and support was enough to make things right. I felt so helpless. Because the entire situation was completely out of my control. I didn't know how to help my mother feel better. And that hurt more than anything.
Then, a few minutes ago, my mom and I had a converstation with my best friend, Keen. And it was brought to light that keen had a few problems of his own, both physical and emotional, that he had been holding in for the last couple of weeks. At first, I was angry that he didn't reach out to me. Angry that he was the kind of guy who could be hemorrhaging and would act like he just won the lottery. And angry that I was angry at him, because there was nothing I could do about any of it. Ultimately, I could only help my friend if he let me or, more importantly, if he chose to help himself. Outside of that, there was nothing I could say or do for him that could change the state he was in. And once again came that crippling feeling that I could be of no help.
My point is, I always had a tendency to want to help people. I hate conflict, and I hate seeing people suffer. So if I can help alleviate it, I'll do whatever I can. But today I had to face the reality that I can't heal the world, and every problem is not mine to fix. And that fact really sucks. But then I guess if things worked that way, I'd be winning the Nobel Peace Prize constantly.
